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Nord and Bert Couldn't Make Head or Tail of It
FAQ/Walkthrough version 1.0.0
Copyright 2001 by Andrew Schultz schultza@earthlink.net
valid for Apple and PC

Please do not reproduce for profit without my permission. If you wish
to use this FAQ, drop me a line addressing me by name(but not e-mail
address) and ask for this FAQ specifically, and I will likely respond
favorably.

Although the game has a built-in hint system, this document is a sort of
"ultimate spoiler" and keeps track of the puzzles you may not need to
solve. It also annotates some of the more obscure references and
highlights no-way-out traps.

**** AD SPACE ****

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http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Exhibit/2762/games/games.htm
My home page is http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Exhibit/2762/

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ACT THE PART

BUY THE FARM

EAT YOUR WORDS

GO TO THE SHOPPING BIZARRE

PLAY JACKS

SHAKE A TOWER

VISIT THE MANOR OF SPEAKING

MEET THE MAYOR

KEY WORDS TO MEET THE MAYOR

THE ACTUAL WALKTHROUGH

VERSIONS/CREDITS

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ACT THE PART

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This is the second-shortest and the most slapstick of all your trials.
Basically, Bob, your chiseling brother-in-law, comes by, and you are
duty bound to soak up all the yucks you can. You must perform all ten
gags to complete this stage.

Locations:
KITCHEN
LIVING ROOM(start)

Items:
MATCH(in your coat)
SPONGE(kitchen)
HOT WATER BOTTLE(kitchen)
SCALPEL-LIKE KNIFE(kitchen)
YELLOW RUBBER GLOVES(kitchen)

How to get points:
WHO'S THERE? (response to "knock knock") sets up "BOB WHO?"(1)--the
joke is a play on the Beach Boys' song "Barbara Ann."
You automatically shake Bob's hand next even if you try to avoid it.
You should probably stock up in the kitchen. Then when you come back,
"What's this fly doing in my soup?" BACKSTROKE(1) Bob then leaves for
the kitchen.
PUT BOTTLE UNDER CUSHION(1) so Bob can't see it.
LIGHT MATCH and PUT MATCH IN SHOE(1)...you should hear a knocking
next.
The WHO'S THERE? routine followed up with GORILLA WHO?(1) is next.
Then another WHO'S THERE? followed by DWAYNE WHO?(1) is mercifully the
last.

Other events that can be done any time:
TAKE SHADE and WEAR SHADE(1)
EXAMINE SPONGE and say BOB(1)
GIVE BOB A FRONTAL LOBOTOMY(1) with the scalpel-like knife
WEAR GLOVES, TAKE CORD and SHAKE HANDS(1) with Bob.

Miscellaneous gags:
Try "KISS LADY"

No-way-out traps:
If you don't respond "BACKSTROKE" immediately, Bob won't ask again,
and you won't be able to win.

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BUY THE FARM

================================

You must complete all nineteen puzzles to complete this level. I'd
say it's better than "eat your words" as there are fewer abstract
figures of speech, and those that are there are more recognizeable.

Mostly every place on the farm is accessible from the other: BARN,
BARNYARD(sow's ear and tail here,) STABLE, FIELD, ROAD. There is also
TOWN, only accessible from ROAD once you get the horse and cart rigged
up. There is the LOFT where you find a hammer, only accessible from the
BARN.

This walkthrough assumes you pick up items as you find them.

--TEACH OLD DOG NEW TRICKS by the Road to get a stone. Now go to the
field.
--MAKE A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLEHILL in the field to produce crops
--KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE so they stop preying on the crops
--FIND NEEDLE IN A HAYSTACK to get the needle. Now to the stable.

--LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH(this can be done at any time but clues
you to the next action)
--LEAD A HORSE TO WATER
--MAKE HIM DRINK and he runs out to the road
--PUT THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE so you can get to town without walking
--MAKE A SILK PURSE OUT OF A SOW'S EAR once you have them.

Here's what to do in town:
--UPSET THE APPLE CART to feed your horse with an apple
--BUY PIG IN A POKE which allows you to get the bag
--PICK A PECK OF PICKLED PEPPERS(the guy is Peter Piper, you see)

After you've done enough in town, you see a donkey head to the stable.
Go there and
--PIN THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY

Here are puns that can be done at any time:
--PUT MY NOSE TO THE GRINDSTONE(loft)
--HIT BROAD SIDE OF THE BARN(barnyard, barn)
--DON'T CRY OVER SPILT MILK after you go to the barn(the dog tips over
the milk) and the dog comes running back.
--HAMMER SWORDS INTO PLOWSHARES(barnyard--you need the hammer)

Here's what you can do after town:
--LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG(for a bad pun from the computer, replace
LET with GET)

--SOW MY WILD OATS doesn't seem to be applicable until near the end.
There's no "wild oats" item or other indication, but you may need to go
to market and get the pickled peppers first.

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EAT YOUR WORDS

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The layout is pretty simple; there's level one and level two, and
once you score twelve points by doing things to or around the
waitress(who follows you between the two places,) you can go into the
kitchen. As the figures of speech are tough to figure out, you need
only get twelve of the twenty-two before the waitress, who's an amusing
piece of work to say the least, lets you enter the kitchen, after which
there are nine more points. The cook can kill you when you are in the
frying pan.

You receive items after so many successful figures of speech. After
the first one you get a hatchet. Then you get four items for the next
ten figures of speech(this seems random) and the twelfth gets you the
sixth item and allows you into the kitchen. The items are as follows,
and they are always in the order below:

Hatchet, Humble Pie, "Collective of Lions," Fortune Cookie with salt
shaker, crow, napkin, and rump roast

On the second floor, there are an olive tree(with a branch you can
take,) a carpet, just desserts, and a rake. On the first floor, there
are a short shrift and a neon sign.

On to the figures of speech that get you points!
--VENT SPLEEN ON WAITRESS
--PULL WOOL OVER HER EYES
--GET HER DANDER UP
--KNOCK CHIP OFF HER SHOULDER
--TURN TABLE ON THE WAITRESS(first level only)
--TAKE UMBRAGE WITH WAITRESS(first level only)
--GIVE SHORT SHRIFT TO THE WAITRESS(note that the tablecloth is referred
to as "short shrift."
--TURN THE OTHER CHEEK(should be done immediately after another figure
of speech as it doesn't always work)
--RAKE WAITRESS OVER THE COALS(take rake on second level--this must be
done by the coals on the second level)
--READ WAITRESS THE RIOT ACT(again must be done on the second level,
where a sign proclaims the Riot Act)
--HIT CEILING(only done on second level, where the ceiling is low)
--GIVE OLIVE BRANCH TO WAITRESS(it is on the second level but you can
give it to her on the first)
--CALL WAITRESS ON TO THE CARPET
--TAKE SIGN on first level and GIVE WAITRESS COMEUPPANCE as the sign
says "Comeuppance"(mispronounced, "Come up and see!")
--GIVE WAITRESS THE EVIL EYE
--LOOK AT WAITRESS WITH JAUNDICED EYE
--WAVE THE WHITE FLAG once you have the napkin
--SWALLOW MY PRIDE(the "collective of lions")
--EAT HUMBLE PIE
--GET DOWN TO NITTY GRITTY(once you "EAT CROW" you see the crow is
nitty-gritty)
--GIVE JUST DESSERTS TO WAITRESS
--BREAK THE FORTUNE COOKIE and TAKE ADVICE WITH A GRAIN OF SALT as the
advice is a bit condescending!

On to the kitchen. You'll need to complete all nine tasks here, and
you'll want to bring the hatchet, although it isn't critical if you
forget it. The first order of business is to annoy the cook, then
you'll need to get rid of the ox in the kitchen.

--WIPE BLOOD WITH CAPE to get rid of the bad blood between you and the
cook.
Wait for his pet peeves to come in.
--GET THE COOK'S GOAT
--COOK HIS GOOSE
--MAKE LAUGHING STOCK OF THE COOK
--WAVE THE CAPE
These four can be done in any order, and you will be thrown into the
frying pan.
--JUMP FROM FRYING PAN INTO THE FIRE(if you don't you'll be killed)
--LEAVE COOK TO HIS OWN DEVICES(or the cook will kill you!)
--SHARPEN THE AX(if you don't have it, the Ox will let you back into the
dining area to pick it up)
--GORE THE OX to, well, gore the ox.

Note that putting your nose to the grindstone does no good, unlike in
Buy the Farm. You need to use the grindstone to sharpen the ax.

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GO TO THE SHOPPING BIZARRE

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In this one, you need to identify homonyms. For combining fun and
ease, this one is tops. Many items you don't need to worry about, but
your goal is to buy one of them--problem is, you're penniless. There
are also a couple of goofy side quests which make this the most complex
of the scenes plot-wise. This also appears to be the only scenario in
the game other than Buy the Farm where you cannot be killed or trapped.

Locations:

Dessert Aisle